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I know EXACTLY how you feel! I find myself weirdly biased against younger mothers. Even just a little younger! If someone had a baby at 29 or 30, I think, “yeah, but…” It think it’s because when I was 30, I was getting over a bad relationship, then because it took me a few more years to find my husband, I look back on my late twenties and early thirties and finding-me time. It just flat out seems WEIRD to think I could have, if things had been different, been a mom in that time.
Perspective can be distorting, for sure!
It’s so location-specific, my reaction! In the Bay Area, where I had my kids at age 38 and 40, I was the norm. Then I moved to the southeast (northern florida). I am still not over the shock that one day soon after our move, at the mall in FL, holding my niece, a mere 9 months younger than my youngest, a woman came up to me and said “Oh, is that your grandbaby?”
My blood pressure still goes up recounting this scenario. I literally thought I misheard her.
Now I have met many a woman younger than me who is a grandmother. Right now, I am thinking it’s crazy and not the best way to live–a definite preference for my own choices or fate. But I have a feeling that when I’m in my 60s paying for college, I will look upon these younger grandmothers with a lot of envy and see the wisdom in their choices!
Denise – Glad I’m not the only one with these feelings!
My 20s and early 30s were definitely “finding me” time as well. Actually, to be more accurate, I was practically having a nervous breakdown at 30 (wrong man, wrong job, wrong city. . . had to change it all – ugh!) It’s a good thing I didn’t have kids then!
Hi Lisa! Thanks for jumping in!
Good point – it is really location-specific. I live in a bit of a bubble: two of my cousins are midlife moms and I know lots of others. Also there are a lot at our daughters’ schools (probably because they’re private and we are in an urban area).
So I am always startled when I read that the average first-time mom is 25. I feel really weird when I drop my oldest at camp in rural North Carolina and visit the mall, where some of the moms look like kids themselves.
Oops – probably being judgmental again!
As for paying for college in our late 50s/60s. . . don’t remind me! But like you, I am very happy with my choice/fate. I feel lucky that I had the girls as late as I did. When they’re not wearing me out, they actually make me feel younger.
I’m in a similar situation, having had my son at 38. It really depends on where you live. In our area of Southern California, older moms are the norm. But when I visit my parents in Florida and go to the mall, I’m always taken aback. On the whole, I’m glad I waited. But I haven’t paid that first college bill yet…
Oh, I knew there was a reason I should live in Southern California! I love it out there.
I am 54 and a single mom of three. Two sons ages 27 and 22 and a 6 year old daughter. Yes, you read that right – 6 years old as in Kindergarten. The truth is I actually forget how old I am, but every once in a while someone will refer to my daughter as my grand daughter and suddenly I realize I really am not as young as I feel! The funniest part of it is the kids that grew up in the neighbor hood now have children of their own that my daughter plays with. Truthfully I had no idea or intention of spending my “empty nest” years raising another child; however it has been so much fun I can’t imagine my life being an better.
Hi Danielle! Your comment is so interesting. I know a lot of moms with large age gaps between kids but yours tops them!
At least you knew a lot about parenting by the time you had your youngest. I had my first at 40 and was clueless, though I’m an old hand now!
I agree that being an active mom leaves you little time to ponder your age – much less any wrinkles. I am also finding it fun, if exhausting at times. The other day, I actually couldn’t remember how old I was for a moment. (I’m 53). All that focus on little people’s birthdays makes it easy to forget one’s own!
Diversity is what makes things interesting. For someone who prides themself as having had so much time to find out who you are, you seem to have a narrow minded view of the world. How could it possibly be startling to read that the average age of a new mom is 25? Maybe that bubble you are living in is reinforcing your denial. Its great that moms are all from different backrounds and ages. One would think that your self awareness would make you comfterble enough to be at peace with the choice to have children late. Not project your insecurities into judgment of others who didnt make that same choice.
Lila,
Thanks for your comment. I’m all for diversity so I welcome your opinion here. And I agree with you that it is great that women now have children at all different ages.
I even agree that my view here is very narrow. That’s why I wrote about it. I wanted to look at the very human, if irrational, feeling one can get when confronting someone with a very different life path.
I am not saying my choice was right, by any means. it’s an individual thing. I am quite at peace with it, though.
Also, I am actually kind of awed by women who have kids far younger than I did as many are obviously doing a fine job and I’m not sure I would have at the same age.
So here’s to diversity and feel free to jump in here again anytime!
Now off to do the carpool. . .
Sorry, I meant to also add that its refreshing to read such a candid and honest view on a controversial topic. There is a divide at times between younger and older first time moms. Very disheartening when being a parent can be so tough and then the support system is faulty. Just had to share my interpretation of your post. Thanks for listening.
Hi Lila – good to hear from you again!
You’re so right – mothers of all ages need support, especially from one another. I’m writing here about the particular experience of having children late. But overall, I think one of the wonderful things about having kids (at any age) is that parenting is such a universal experience that it allows you to connect with people from very different backgrounds or even cultures. We all struggle with a lot of the same issues: how to get the baby to sleep through the night, how to get the first grader to do homework, how to raise children with good values. Being a parent has allowed me to connect with all sorts of people I might not easily have identified with before.
Anyway – going off on a tangent here. Head is not too clear – put younger daughter on a bus at 5 a.m. for a field trip (!) I do appreciate your comments here. Have a great weekend!
Funny, it always seems to be the highest educated, middle class, white adults who aren’t “mature” enough to have children until they are 35+.
As a happily married, college educated, 26 year old woman from a middle class background, I find I don’t need anymore time to “discover” or “learn who I am” before having my baby – due in a few weeks. I plan on being full of energy, discovering and learning about myself (and fostering my relationship with my husband) right along with my child… not exclusive of motherhood. And all that with the chance to be an involved grandparent (or, gasp, great grandparent) one day.
Thanks for your comment Claire and congrats on your pregnancy. It sounds like you are quite ready to have that baby! I think your positive attitude is great.
But it’s clear that women of all backgrounds are having kids later these days so let’s not pigeonhole older moms there.
As for great-grandparents day (gasp) – go for it!
I am a 28 year old mother of two. While I do not necessarily hope that my daughters follow in my foot steps,( I can surely appreciate the exploration of self phase, being that I did not have one) I absolutely take my role as a mother seriously. The reality is motherhood is a choice, once you choose the responsibility it becomes your main purpose in life at no matter what age. For me personally I find it very difficult being a young mother because on one hand I cannot relate to many young adults my age because I am definitely on a completely different level than them maturity wise. It is nothing I take personally or hold against them, I simply understand that although we share a commonality as far as our age is concerned, we are in completely different places in our lives. Of course the other side of this is mothers like you that are older, it is very obvious that many older mother pass judgement on younger mothers(yes many of us do intuitively sense this… And well it is just very obvious…) being a young mother can almost be a very lonely situation because you find you just don’t quite fit in with anyone, you are an outsider. Point being at the end of the day a mother is a mother… And next time you do pass judgement keep the thought in mind as to how you feel about being a mother… The protective emotional, loving ,instinctive bond you feel for your child and remember that a young mother feels the exact same way about their own child. Oh and as the saying goes… Age is but a number…
Lauren,
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. You make a lot of excellent points.
But first – I was not trying to pass judgement on younger moms. I am actually in awe of some younger moms and wouldn’t mind having some of your energy!
What I was trying to capture is the weird feeling an older mom can get seeing a younger mom. I think that feeling probably can run both ways. It’s natural, I think, to be kind of surprised when someone else is doing the same thing you are doing but at such a different age.
I never meant to imply that I take my role more seriously than a younger mom.
Your point about feeling more mature than childless friends your age was really interesting and makes a lot of sense.
I don’t feel more mature than childless friends my age. But our lifestyles are so different now that it can be hard to connect. For one, we are on very different schedules. That late night stuff sure doesn’t work for me.
I think younger and older moms may have more in common with each other than they do with peers the same age who don’t have children. You are right – parenting is a very universal experience.
As for age being just a number – well, I’d like to think so but my wrinkles tell me otherwise!
Lauren Marrs sums up what I would have said. I am turning 27 this June with a 5 year old that is about to enter Kindergarten this fall. I live in the NOVA/DC/MD area and feel very alienated. There is a lot of harsh judgment against me without even knowing my circumstances. People look at me and judge me as someone who may have been foolish/ promiscuous/ irresponsible.
Nobody knows that I actually married young, from a very religious/ conservative background and ended up marrying someone very abusive. So, I am lucky to be a single mom in that regard.
Women/ mothers of all ages can be so cruel and judgmental to others. I have gotten the dirtiest looks and inappropriate comments/ judgements from people who don’t even know me. Media doesn’t help either. This is also why I hate and avoid Christians and churches.
Who cares if you are old/ young mom? If you stay home/ work? If you decide to further your career or not? Everyone is different and I am sick of people that have to bring others down to feel better about themselves. How low is that?