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MidAge Mom is for women who are parenting in midlife rather than celebrating the empty nest on a beach in Bali . . .

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Just Calm Down

“Just calm down.”

This is the wrong thing to tell somebody suffering from an anxiety disorder.

Believe me, if there were any way to calm down I would have done it by now. I admit there is a lot I haven’t tried that has been suggested to me, including marijuana, meditation and music. But I’m skeptical that those things will work as my anxiety feels so ingrained and intractable.

My rational mind tells me there’s no need to be nervous about things. I try my hardest to listen to it, but anxiety overwhelms me anyway. I know I’m being irrational. I know I need to calm down. But I can’t do it. It’s like driving a car and losing control of the brakes.

The drugs I’ve been taking so far have not helped much though the jury is out on Seroquel, which I just started taking at a very low dose and which studies have shown helps with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). (The dose – 12.5 mg – may be too low to be effective but 25 mg made me feel sedated.)

I’ve been getting electroshock treatments (ECT), and my psychiatrist is adamant about continuing them though I recently cut back against his advice from biweekly to every three weeks.

ECT may have helped with my depression and my general functioning has improved since I began getting the treatments, which is why my psychiatrist wants to continue them. But ECT is not known for having much effect on anxiety, which I find comes back soon after a treatment. I suffer more from anxiety than from depression so ECT doesn’t feel like much of a solution to my problems. And a neurologist I recently saw says it kills brain cells.

I hired a private yoga teacher in the fall but found myself so anxious during our sessions that I ended them. I haven’t tried yoga since though I do swim 30 minutes a day in our pool and feel calmest in the water.

It all convinces me that whatever I have is definitely a disease or disorder and not a personality flaw. If it were a matter of personality or character I could just buckle up and calm down at whim. But it doesn’t feel like it’s up to me.

So I keep trying to breath deeply. For the moment I am trying to write the anxiety out, which is at least as effective as any of the drugs I’ve tried.

But I don’t feel like I’ve found a solution to dealing with all these fears that paralyze me and ruin my days and which I never experienced until three years ago.

And meanwhile, no one tells me to “just calm down” more than I do.

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Do you have a practice that keeps you calm? Share by commenting below!

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                                                                                      Photo © Martinmmark

Disclosure: I use some affiliate links. If you click and buy a product, I make a small commission. Thanks for your support!

 

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Normal

I just want to be normal.

That is what I found myself telling my women’s group last week. Three years of struggling with anxiety and depression have left me with one overriding desire: to have a normal life free of the fear that ruins so many of my days.

I was surprised when a woman present said that all she had wanted was to be normal too – in this case with her second pregnancy which apparently had a lot of bumps and didn’t go according to plan. “We all just want to be normal,” she said.

Is that so? It had never occurred to me that other people might be struggling to be normal in different aspects of their lives. Yet this woman clearly wanted to have a “normal” pregnancy and didn’t get it. Maybe some of you are trying to have a “normal” marriage or “normal” children against the odds.

It’s easy to take normal for granted when you have it. I rarely appreciate that I have normal kids or a normal marriage. (Actually both are far better than normal.)

But when you lack normalcy in some aspect of your life it becomes the one thing you crave. To be like other people – mundane as it sounds – to have a “regular” life. I wish all the time that my life were like someone else’s.

Normal – it sounds so boring except when you don’t have it.

At least after the lunch I know I’m not alone in my struggle. I may want different things than you do because what I’m missing is different. But many of us are struggling to normalize some aspect of our lives that doesn’t look like other people’s or doesn’t fit our expectations.

There’s comfort in that and in remembering that while you are struggling with one part of your life, you may have just the normal existence in another that makes you the envy of others.

In a sense, we are all trying hard just to lead “regular” lives. Society may tell us to be superstars but what many of us crave is the mundane. Normal can be good enough. In fact, normal can be reason for gratitude.

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Are you struggling for normalcy in some aspect of your life? Share by commenting below!

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                                                                                      Photo © Konstantin Sutyagin

Disclosure: I use some affiliate links. If you click and buy a product, I make a small commission. Thanks for your support!

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Fear

Who me, afraid?

In my long battle with anxiety, the main enemy has been fear. I’m afraid of just about everything: getting together with friends, going to the store, checking the mail.

No one is more surprised by this state of affairs than me. None of this used to scare me before. Indeed, I was once rather brave.

As a reporter, I’ve routinely done things other people were afraid to do. I covered civil strife in Nicaragua, and the jeep I was reporting in was strafed with machine gun fire. Tiny pieces of the bullets ended up in my shoulder. I’ve reported on the West Bank and in Gaza – not the happiest places on earth. I’ve visited refugee camps throughout the Middle East and elsewhere. As an author, I’ve also done a lot of what scares some people more than anything, speaking in public to promote my book Beyond One: Growing a Family and Getting a Life.

And this is the same person who is afraid of getting the mail?

It all makes the anxiety I’m suffering from not only painful but discombobulating and paralyzing. I am simply not the person I knew before. And I knew that person well. These fears are also what distinguishes anxiety from depression and makes it so hard to address.

All these fears started coming out of nowhere three years ago. And it’s been tricky business. I know many of them are irrational, but I have the feelings nonetheless and have found no effective long-term strategy for getting rid of them.

I constantly ask my husband, Bill, “Is everything okay?” – to the point where it must get tedious. Of course, this reassurance needs to come from me; I need to know that everything is okay without asking, to feel confident that I can handle things the way my husband thinks I can.

I have made some progress in fighting fear in the last six months. I am no longer afraid of paying the gardeners. Few things have felt scarier recently than opening the bill section of my Bank of America account. I had no idea what was paid automatically and what wasn’t – or what was there at all. I couldn’t even get my password to work. With Bill’s help, I got a new password and sorted out each online account.

I think it was easier to go crazy before computer passwords and online banking accounts. Life is too complex to lose your mind these days.

I’ve also become very daring about going in our freezing cold, unheated, Florida swimming pool every day. Indeed, I’m the only one in our family who will go in at all this time of year. Swimming is by far the most effective anti-anxiety therapy I’ve found.

And I’ve developed some backbone about getting regular electroshock, or ECT, treatments. Involving getting up at 5 a.m., taking a taxi to the hospital and being completely knocked out, they always make me nervous. However ECT seems to have raised my overall functioning in the last six months so I “feel the fear and do it anyway” every few weeks.

Brave at times, I feel so close to overcoming my other fears – and yet so far away. If I could just overcome these fears, I could conquer this condition. I could be free. And yet the old adage: “Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain,” is too simple. Instead I avoid a lot of what I’m afraid of, having my husband take my daughter to the eye doctor, for instance, instead of doing it myself. Bill says, “The world is okay out here.” But I remain unconvinced.

Part of the trick is to accept fear, since it won’t let you ignore it. To accept that being scared is inevitable right now; to know that other people feel afraid, though maybe not as much.

In the end, the question is always the same: does fear stop you? I recently travelled to San Francisco with my older daughter and husband despite major fear and got credit from them just for going. I won’t pretend that the trip was all fun. At times it was agonizing. But I also had some good days in San Francisco, especially shopping with my daughter and seeing an old friend.

This week I have a friend coming over for coffee, despite some trepidation. Because that is what writers do: they invite other writers over for coffee. And that is something I used to enjoy doing.

If I keep on keepin’ on, will I get to be the person I used to be and be enjoy these things again?

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Are you battling anxiety or depression? Share by commenting below!

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                                                                                      Photo © Anettphoto

Disclosure: I use some affiliate links. If you click and buy a product, I make a small commission. Thanks for your support!

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